Going Public

Wednesday evening I was working late to meet a 9 am deadline the following morning. The Development Director (Paula) and I were the only ones in the office, so before I left, I popped my head in her office and chatted with her about the work I was doing. Our conversation strayed from work stuff and onto the sunset out her window, flying, 9/11 and what I'm doing after graduation.

[NOTE: When Paula started here three weeks ago, I knew I would be working with my potential boss, but shied away from telling her that I was interested in staying with the Partnership (and in what capacity) after the term ended. At that time, I was still wavering between going for an entry-level position and throwing all my efforts into the training for employment in the Development Department. I knew this question would eventually come from her through casual conversation or through my own formal declaration as soon as I gathered the courage. So when she asked me what I was doing after graduation, I didn't know what I was going to say until the words came out of my mouth.**]

I couldn't dance around making my decision any longer, and it felt dishonest and weak of character to plead the fifth. I opened my mouth and, with as much confidence as I could muster, started, "I've made it no secret around here that I want to stay with the Partnership after graduation..." and proceeded to decide and declare that I wanted to stay in the Development Department, in a communicative capacity, interested in Grant Writing, but knowing that I haven't the experience or training for the position, but that blah blah blah.

It's funny: I was almost completely comfortable in her presence, talking about inane topics, but once I announced my candidacy for new Development Associate, I suddenly felt a pang of insecurity, like the chair I was sitting in belonged to the interviewee and the desk I spoke across belonged to my potential employer. I became nervously aware of the stomping boots on my feet, cotton t-shirt around my torso and denim encasing my legs. I realised that, from this moment on, I was in a perpetual state of interviewing; that I now had expectations of me greater than I bargained for as an Intern, and thought, perhaps I should start dressing the part of a potential employee. But then I realised I have no wardrobe support the last thought and I don't really want to have said wardrobe, nor do I have the funding for it either.

However, my declaration was received with enthusiam and great interest. She immediately asked for a writing sample and offered to give me an 'assignment' in lieu of one.

Of course, this is all good news because: a) I made a decision, b) it was received well and c) I finally made a decision. My life post-graduation is beginning to take shape.


**NOTE for the NOTE: Some of my best life decisions are made at the most inopportune times.